An Australian clinical and forensic psychologist has offered practical guidance on how to navigate grief after loss, particularly during emotionally charged dates such as anniversaries and birthdays — advice that resonates deeply as the widower of beloved television personality Mel Schilling publicly mourns what would have been the couple's eighth wedding anniversary.
Mel Schilling, the dating coach and relationship expert best known for her role on the reality series Married At First Sight, passed away in March at the age of 53 after a battle with cancer. Four months on, her husband Gareth marked the anniversary with a heartfelt tribute on Instagram, sharing a photograph from their wedding day alongside words that captured both the joy and the sorrow of the occasion.
"Hard to reconcile that the anniversary of the happiest day of my life could become one of the saddest," Gareth wrote. "We didn't quite make 8 years married or 15 years together but what a love and what a life we had!"
Why Certain Dates Hit Harder
Clinical and forensic psychologist Denise Cullen says the pain Gareth expressed is far from unusual. What many people experience around significant dates is known as an anniversary reaction — the natural emotional and physical responses that surface when a meaningful date approaches.
"If you're finding that the holidays hurt, or that certain dates like anniversaries and birthdays are especially difficult, you're not alone," Cullen said.
While anniversary reactions are often discussed in trauma contexts, Cullen explains the phenomenon also helps explain why grief can intensify during particular seasons or on specific calendar dates, transforming what were once occasions of joy into periods of profound emotional vulnerability.
Practical Strategies for Navigating Grief
Cullen has outlined a series of evidence-based approaches to help people manage grief during significant milestones.
Set expectations early. Acknowledge ahead of time that certain holidays, events or anniversaries are likely to be challenging. This kind of anticipatory awareness can reduce the overwhelming nature of grief when it arrives. Giving yourself permission to scale back on traditional activities — choosing store-bought food over homemade, opting for a smaller gathering, or skipping certain events altogether — are all valid choices.
Identify triggers in advance. Think ahead about what might provoke a grief response — particular songs, decorations, gatherings or specific dates — and develop a Plan B for managing them when they arise.
Embrace the dual process model. Cullen points to the dual process model of bereavement, which holds that healthy grieving involves moving between two modes: loss-oriented activities, such as directly confronting grief and processing memories, and restoration-oriented behaviours, such as engaging in distracting activities and focusing on present-moment tasks. Both are necessary, she says, for working through loss in a healthy way.
Lean on social support. Cullen stresses the importance of being honest with trusted people in your life about how you are feeling. Responding to a simple "how are you?" with "I'm finding this time really difficult" can open the door to genuine connection and support. According to Cullen, authentic connection helps regulate the nervous system and reduce the stress hormones that tend to spike during periods of grief.
Practise self-compassion and physical care. Grief is exhausting — emotionally, mentally and physically. Self-compassion and attentive self-care become especially important during high-stress periods such as holidays and anniversaries, Cullen notes.
A Message to Those Who Are Struggling
The experiences of those like Gareth Schilling — grieving openly and publicly — serve as a reminder that loss does not follow a tidy timeline, and that milestone dates can reopen wounds with unexpected force. Cullen's core message is one of reassurance: the intensity of grief around certain dates is a normal part of bereavement, not a sign that something has gone wrong in the healing process.
For anyone currently moving through loss, the psychologist's advice underscores that reaching out, planning ahead and allowing yourself grace are not signs of weakness — they are the building blocks of resilience.
